Archive for the ‘Musical nonsense’ Category

More musical trivia: The Alt Health Guru

October 16, 2008

In which Dr Aust again falls back on (semi-second hand) musical facetiousness.

Regular readers will by now have noted my admiration for the immortal Tom Lehrer. Well, not literally immortal, but as he turned eighty earlier this year he is doing pretty well.

“The Old Dope Peddler”, recorded in 1953 on the album Songs by Tom Lehrer, is one of Lehrer’s simpler songs. The other day it occurred to me that it was just the thing for a lyrical makeover in the Bad Science cause. You can listen to the song here, and I suggest you do before you read the adapted lyrics.

I do apologise, by the way, for the rather similar subject matter between this one and “Woo is all around” – which was already probably one song too many. However, the combination of the start of the University term, various work-related writing projects with imminent deadlines, and Junior Aust engaging in a guerilla campaign of relentless psychological warfare (4 year olds are good at this stuff – she is annoyed because we have temporarily had to withdraw her DVD-watching privileges) has left me too frazzled for anything more serious.

Anyway – to business.

Tom Lehrer often introduced his songs with a spoken intro, and the one for this song doesn’t really need any changing:

“You are no doubt familiar with songs about the old lamplighter and the old umbrella man and the old garbage collector and all these lovable old characters who go around spreading sweetness and light to their respective communities.

But it’s always seemed to me that there is one member of this happy band who does an equally splendid job, but who has never been properly recognized in song or story.  This is an attempt to remedy, at least in part, that deplorable situation.”

When your aches and pains are griping,
Comes a fellow everyone knows,
It’s the Alt Health Guru,
Spreading joy wherever he goes.

Every breakfast time you’ll find him,

On a TV sofa somewhere near

With some supplements to sell you

Getting rich by tickling your fear.

——————————-

He gives the kids free samples, [spoken aside: “fish oil”]
Because he knows full well

That today’s young innocent faces
Will be tomorrow’s worried well.

Here’s a cure for all your troubles,
And a nice profit from your distress.
It’s the Alt Health Guru,
With his pricey New Age Ha-a-pi-ness

[Plink plink]

[BPSDB]

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Sing it: Woo is all around

September 24, 2008

Yes, more musical entertainment (?). As I sat trying to compose something serious last night, this appeared instead… enjoy (?)

Woo is All Around (The Alternative / Placebo Therapist’s song)

(tune: ”Love is All Around” by The Troggs)

I feel it in my fingers

I feel it in my toes

The Force is all around us

And so my income grows

It’s written on my website

It’s ancient healing lore

So if you all believe it

Bring me any bit that’s sore

———————————————

You know I can help you, I most certainly will

I’m not a harassed doctor or a Pharma Shill

There’s no beginning,
There’ll be no treatment end
’cause on your naivety I can surely depend

————————————————

You’ve told me all your problems

And I’ve looked most concerned

Now I’ll dish out some Placebo

Whatever New Age crap I’ve learned

There’s probably nothing wrong with you

(Which won’t reduce my fee)

But if you should feel better
I’ll say that it was me (oh yes I will)

————————————————

(You know) I look sympathetic, and I always will,
It works most excellently

‘Til you’ve paid off the bill
There’s no beginning,
And there’ll be no end
’Cause on your neediness I’ll happily depend

————————————————-

I wouldn’t call it lying

If I tell you it’s all real

Because if both of us believe it

All that matters is what we feel

It’s what the punters want, mate

(And) It’s all over the press

And wouldn’t it be better

If you got it on the NHS (oh yes it would)

————————————————

(You know) I look sympathetic, and I always will,
It works most excellently

‘Til you’ve paid off the bill
There’s no beginning,
There’ll be no end
’Cause on your cheques I’ve come to depend

————————————————-

I feel it in my fingers
I feel it in my toes
There’s one born every minute
And so my income grows

(repeat last line to fade)

————————————————–

Alternatively:

Repeat entire song ad infinitum.

– Or until the money runs out.

[BPSDB]

Shake it, baby, shake it

September 8, 2008

In which homeopathy (spelling optional) gets a new theme tune (and it even rhymes).

If I could have had any talent I wanted, I think I would most like to have been able to write witty satirical comic songs, like my musical comic hero Tom Lehrer.

Unfortunately I have only ever been able to be snide in a small and juvenile way, but you make do with what you have.

Today was a quiet day in Dr Aust’s office. Summer has gone – you can tell because it has stopped raining – the conference season is pretty much over, and there are still a couple of weeks until the students return. Anyway, as I sat there at 4.40 pm, wondering if it was early enough to go home, something came drifting unbidden into my head.

First came an old tune

…and then the words.

So without more ado I give you:

———————————————————–

The Homeopath’s Song (Super calibrated shaking)

(with apologies to the Sherman Brothers and Mary Poppins)

———————————————-

Super calibrated shaking makes the magic potions

Even though the logic here is frankly quite atrocious

If you say it loud enough you’ll always sound precocious

Yes super calibrated shaking makes the magic potions!

————————————–

Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay

Think of Sam Hahnemann shaking away

————————————–

Because I learned some chemistry when I was just a lad

Our complementary therapist said I was very bad

But then one day I learned something that saved my aching brain

If you embrace parallel reality this can be your refrain:

—————————————————

Oh – super calibrated shaking makes the magic potions

Even though the logic here is frankly quite atrocious

If you say it loud enough you’ll always sounds precocious

Super calibrated shaking makes the magic potions!

——————————-

Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay

Think of Sam Hahnemann shaking away

———————————–

I like to talk and theorize to sound quite erudite

Invoking Quantum Theory in terms most recondite

So when crowned heads and celebrities consult me for their health

I can sell them magic water and relieve them of their wealth

————————————————

Oh – super calibrated shaking makes the magic potions

Even though the logic here is frankly quite atrocious

If you say it loud enough you’ll always sounds precocious

Super calibrated shaking makes the magic potions!

—————————————————————

Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay

Think of Sam Hahnemann shaking away

Shout until it makes you hoarse

Disturbance in the Vital Force

Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay

Um diddle diddle and shake away

———————————————-

So when the scientists put you down there’s no need to dismay

Just summon up this magic phrase and you’ll have lots to say

But better shake it carefully or it may make you ill

For with too much wristy potentizing ignorance can kill

—————————————————-

Oh – super calibrated shaking makes the magic potions

Even though the logic here is frankly quite atrocious

If you say it loud enough you’ll always sound precocious

Yes super calibrated shaking makes the magic potions!

———————————

(repeat ad nauseam)

[BPSDB]